Illarion Joke of the Day

[Juniper Onyx]

On earth: A performance mage puts his hand in his hat.

In the Rabbit Realm: The "Hand" emerges from the sky. It is just as prophesized! Rabbits bow in fear and worship of the "Hand". The rabbit council must choose another sacrifice to be taken from the World to satisfy the "Hand". The Rabbits do not dare anger what they do not understand.

((It's a long one!))
The Genie and the Demon:

Three adventurers are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading these jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.

"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivity!" the genie booms. "As my rescuers, you are entitled to one wish each."

The first man excitedly blurts out, "I wish for a million--"

"Now hold on just a minute!" the genie interjects, "This wish comes with a catch. Only about ten feet from here in the bushes, there lies another lamp, much like my own, but black. Black as a midnight sky. This lamp contains the Demon of Letma, and he and I made a deal long ago."

"Ten feet? How many meters is that?" asks the second man.

The genie frowns at him and continues. "You see, like myself, he has been imprisoned in his lamp for over 60,000 years. We had only each other to speak with. We made a deal that if either of us was set free, he would help the other."

"So in order to receive your wishes, you must first walk over, find the lamp, and release the Demon of Letma. He will require a sacrifice from you, one that may be most terrible. You will have no choice but to acquiesce, or not only will you forfeit your wish from me, but you will surely die a most painful death."

The first man ponders for only a second. "I'm homeless and unemployed, and my wife left me six months ago. I have nothing to lose."

He walks over to the bushes and pokes around for a moment until he finds the second lamp. Black as obsidian, its sharp, jagged edges slice into the flesh of his hand as he rubs it gingerly.

A gargantuan, horrifying creature, with flaming red eyes, oily black wings, and great, curved horns like a ram's emerges in a thick cloud of acrid smoke. "WHO DARES DISTURB MY ETERNAL DWELLING PLACE??" the beast thunders.

The first man is too terrified to reply, but the demon looks over to see the genie and quickly realizes the situation.

"AH, SO WE HAVE HERE A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE!" he snickers. "WELL, WELL. WHAT SHALL WE REQUIRE OF YOU?" He looks down to see the man's trembling, bleeding fingers. "YOU HAVE ALREADY SHED BLOOD FOR THE CAUSE, SO I WILL TAKE ONLY ONE OF YOUR HANDS." Reaching down a long, black claw, he snaps the man's hand off at the wrist as if it was nothing more than a twig.

The first man screams for a moment or two, but then slows to a mere sob as the pain begins to abate ever so slightly. He turns to the genie. "I wish....I wish for a million gold coins!"

“It is done,” replies the genie, and hundreds of crates appear around the man, filled to bursting with coins. He grabs a couple as best he can with his bloody stump and begins to drag them back towards the road where he left his cart.

The second man scoffs at him. "A million coins? You get ONE wish that costs you a body part, and that's all you ask for? Not only are you a fool, but you are a cliche fool, the worst kind." He turns to the demon. “I have a lot more to live for than that poor idiot, but I’m a gambler. I’ll take your deal. What sacrifice do you require?”

“YOU ARE ARROGANT AND FOOLHARDY!” sneers the beast. “I LIKE THAT. I SHALL TAKE ONLY A LEG.” He reaches down and, with his bare, clawed hands, rips the man’s right leg off at mid-thigh. Screaming in agony, tumbling to the ground, the second man can barely manage to form words. “I……I wish for……for 5 million gold coins,” he moans through clenched teeth.

“It is done,” the genie says, and another huge pile of coin-filled crates appears. However, the man can do nothing but lay curled up in the fetal position, clutching the stump of his leg and groaning.

The genie and the demon turn to the third man. “What of you, sir?” the genie asks as the man approaches from the shadows of a tree, where he had been watching and thinking. Something in his face is familiar to the genie. “Wait…don’t I know you?”

The Demon of Letma, as well, is struck by the man’s countenance. He steps forward and enthusiastically raises a claw in greeting.

“HEY, BERNIE!! How you been, man?”

Have a Happy Illa Day!!!

[Juniper Onyx]

It's almost Irmas IG right now, the month of trade, so let's trade jokes!

Q: What did the merchant say after a good trade?

A: Good buy

A farmer goes to the market to buy a rooster
He sees one he likes, so he asks the seller:"Is he any good for mating?"

"Oh, no problem there, he screwed every single chicken I had. He even tries to screw ducks, turkeys, even pigs!"

"Then why" asks the puzzled farmer "are you even selling him?"

"You see" answers the seller "lately he's been looking at me kinda funny."

Q. Why was the fly so nervous at the fruit market?

A. Because he was on a date.

I went to a farmer and asked for 12 bees to start my own bee hive
The farmer counted out 13 bees and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many” I said.

“That one is a freebie”

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

I’ve done some terrible things for money.
Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money. Then...

At age 40, success is having money.

At age 55, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.

At age 100, success is being alive.

A homeless guy asked me for money today
So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a Gold coin. I thought to myself "Do I really want this Gold coin going towards alcohol?...Nah" So I gave him the Gold coin.

Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and notices a big jar full of money behind the counter.
He asks the bartender, “Hey man, what’s that jar? I bet there’s at least a thousand coins in there!”

“Ah, you must be new here. It’s a challenge. If you put in fifty silvers, and then succeed at three tasks, you get all the money inside the jar.”

“Really? Man, this must be a trick! Do people actually try that?”

“Sure.”

“Damn. Still, that’s a lot of money. I gotta ask, what are the three tasks?”

“Well, first, you need to go over to the bouncer over there. Yeah, the tall, muscular guy. And you gotta knock him out in one punch.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. Next, in the back we have this wild dog. Nasty dog. Rabid. And it has a bad tooth. We tried having the medico over, but he won’t come anywhere near the beast. The task is to take out his bad tooth.”

“Uh huh.”

“And finally, there’s this lady upstairs. She owns the place. She’s quite old. Sixty five, maybe seventy. Very nice lady. She lost her husband a decade ago and, well … she’s lonely. The task is to go see her and give her some lovin'.”

“That is twisted, my friend. Wow. It’s amazing that anyone thinks they can pull all this off. People these days… Anyway.”

The guy drinks his beer, and then has another. And another. And another. Now quite inebriated, he punches the counter and yells, “Whatever man, I’ll do your stupid challenge!”

He throws in a 50 silvers, goes to the bouncer, taps him on the shoulder, and WHAM! The bouncer is down in one punch. Everyone in the bar suddenly groups around the scene and starts cheering frantically. The guy shouts, “Where’s that dog at?”, people push him to the backdoor, which he pushes. The crowd awaits, hearing nothing at first. Then, muffled screams, punches, scratches and howls coming from behind the door.

Finally, the door opens again, and the guy paces into the bar, slowly, his shirt ripped apart and stained with blood, breathing loudly. Finally, he throws his arms up in the air, and shouts in triumph! As the crowd cheers like crazy, he yells “NOW, WHERE’S THAT OLD HAG WITH THE BAD TOOTH!?!”

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

Q: what did the bee say to the merchant?

A: nice doing beesness with you!

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster had just died.

The director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Pirate, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass of wine to taste.

The old pirate tried it and said, "It's a Berry Booze three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."

"That's correct," said the boss. "Another glass, please."

"It's a Bearslayer, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Absolutely correct. A third glass."

''It's an Elven wine, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of something that looked like cider.

The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

He got the Job!!

Q: What does a nautical merchant do?

A: They sale

A merchant ship captain spots a pirate vessel in the distance...
He says, "First mate, there is a pirate vessel coming straight for us. We must take evasive maneuvers. And bring me my red shirt."

The first mate says, "Your red shirt? Why captain?"

Captain says, "So if I am wounded in the coming battle, the men won't know see me bleed."

"Good Idea!" Says the first mate.

They survive the battle, the captain is uninjured and they sail on. Two days later the captain sees 4 pirate ships in closing in on them in the distance.

Captain says, "First mate, we have four pirate ships baring down on us today. We must take evasive maneuvers and prepare to be boarded. Oh, and bring me my brown pants."

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

Why do Bakers only trade recipes with other bakers?

It's on a knead to know basis.

Sometime in long ago, a duke sought to overthrow an earl who was his rival

So he sent a group of his soldiers to sack the earl's castle. As word of the soldiers coming spread through the town outside the castle, most people ran or hid. But as the soldiers passed through the market square, they heard a voice calling "wool for cheap, wool for cheap".

The captain of the soldiers went to investigate and found the stall where voice was coming from.
It was empty except for a sheep. The sheep said, "wool for cheap, wool for cheap." Surprised to find a talking sheep, the captain asked him how much the wool cost. "One bag of wool for one bale of hay,” bleated the sheep. The captain replied, “I have no hay, but I have coin.” “No coin. Wool for hay. Wool for hay.” The captain shook his head and went to rejoin his men in their advance on the castle.

As the men reached the castle, they found the gates shut tight and archers on the wall. Several times they attacked, riding through a hail of arrows, but each time they were turned back before they could break down the castle gate.

The captain had an idea, and called one of his men. “Go back to the market square in the town. In one of the stalls, there is a talking sheep. Bring it to me.” The soldier went back and found the sheep. He grabbed it up and rode back to the castle. He passed the struggling sheep over to the captain who organized his men for another charge. As they neared the gates, the captain flung the sheep hard against the gate, and the gate promptly collapsed. The duke’s men overran the castle and captured the earl.

As they were preparing their prisoners and spoils to return to the duke, one of the soldiers rode up to the captain and asked him, “Sir, I am confused. Why did you send me for that sheep? How did it break down the gates? And how did you know?” The captain smiled and answered, “Simple. It was a bartering ram.”

You swap the order of the lines around.

How do you tell a joke badly on purpose?

A farmer goes into town to buy a cow, and he walks up to the local cattle dealer and asks him about the cows he has to offer.

The cattle dealer is telling the farmer about one of the cows when the farmer begins to lose interest. Out of the corner of his eye, the farmer’s spotted the most beautiful and majestic cow he’s ever seen.

As the cattle dealer is talking about the cow in front of them, the farmer interrupts him:

“Now, this is certainly a fine cow, sir, but how much for that cow over there?” he asks, pointing at the majestic cow on the other side of the stables.

“Ten silvers,” answers the cattle dealer.

The farmer is taken aback by this bargain rate. “This cow only costs 10 silvers? You’ve gotta be kidding me! I normally don’t haggle upwards when buying, but I would feel like a dishonest man if I bought this beautiful beast for just 10 silvers. It must be worth at least a Gold coin!”

The horse dealer says, “I said ten silvers. And you don’t want that cow.”

“Why not?”

“Well, he don’t look too good.”

Incredulous, the farmer exclaims, “What do you mean!? ‘He don’t look too good?’ My good man, I have seen many a cow in my day, and I can most assuredly say that this cow here is, without a doubt, the most fit and beautiful cow I have ever seen in my entire life!”

“I tell you, sir, I know this cow, and he don’t look too good. Ten silvers is the most I’ll take for him.”

The farmer pays the horse dealer 10 silvers, takes the cow, and goes on his way.

…

Later that day, the farmer angrily returns with the cow.

“I wanna know the kind of place you’re running here,” the farmer demands. “I went to lead this cow home, I just bought from you, and he starts bumping into everything in his path! You, sir… You sold me a blind cow!”

The cattle dealer replies, “I told you, he don’t look so good.”

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

It's the month of Malas IG, the month of the hunters!!

What's the most difficult animal to hunt on the land?

Swordfish!

An old Mage is cleaning his Wand of Fire when his grandson runs in

"Grandpa!" the boy exclaims, "the Demons of Letma have left!"

The old Mage pauses and thinks, then asks, "All of them?"

"Well, all but one called Lord Grey," the grandson admits

The old mage nods and continues polishing his wand.

My father used to take me hunting...

and he told me I had a 3 minute head start!

A Knight was hunting in the forest

A Knight was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the Knight. "I must find him!"

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asked the Knight worriedly.

"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."

"That is truly astonishing," said the Knight. "I hereby admit you into my service." The boy thanked him profusely.

"But I must ask one favor in return," the Knight continued. "You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."

"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it."

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

My cousin just started a new career as a bounty hunter…
…Apparently, she makes a killing.

2 hunters are lost in the woods...
After wandering around for a couple hours they decide to weigh their options, one says, "I heard if you shoot in the air someone will hear and come to your rescue", so they fire a few times in the air and wait, nothing happens so they try again a couple more times, after a few hours of this they're starting to get worried and one says, "I hope we get help soon", to which the other responds, "I know right, I am almost out of arrows"

What would you change the name of a kid named Hunter if he becomes a vegetarian?

….Gatherer

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his house.
In the den, there was a stuffed Bear.

The visiting hunter asked the host, "When did you bag him?"

The host proudly replied, "Three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex wife."

The visitor then asked, "What is he stuffed with?"

To which the host replies, "My ex wife."

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

People who do fossil hunting already have an unfair advantage,
The fossils are already dead!

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it with his bow, but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his bow and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

Thank God we don't need to hunt for food anymore
I mean, I have no idea where Cakes live in the wild!

Two blondes went out deer hunting...
...and they managed to kill a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their cart.

An experienced hunter saw them and said, "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll be pulling with the grain of the hair, and it will be much easier."

So the two blondes started dragging their deer by the antlers. After about 20 minutes, one said to the other, "You know, that old guy was right! It's so much easier to drag the deer by the antlers, it's like it's just gliding along the ground."

"Yeah, he was," said the other blonde. "But we sure are getting farther away from our cart!"

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

It's the month of Findos, the month of fine arts! So poets and Bards rejoice!!

Q: Why did the minstrel get kicked out of the Tavern?

A: He was Bard for life!

A bard wants to be more powerful and so he strikes a deal with a witch.
The witch says she will only grant his wish if he gives her his first born son

The bard laughs and says “sure! Good luck finding him”

Q: What do bards drop when you kill them?

A: Lute!

Wizard: Why is the barbarian carrying a skillet?

Bard: He thinks it's his spellcasting focus.

Wizard: He has spells?

Bard: Just one. Every time he hits someone with it, he shouts "Cast iron!"

Have a Happy Illa "May"Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

Music by Bards is great for Findos, but dancing is better!!

Q: Why aren't dogs good dancers?

A: They've two left feet!

What age were you when you realized you wanted to be a dancer?
I think I was around 5, 6, 7, 8...

Q: What kind of monster is the best dancer?

A: The boogieman

A man walking his dog comes across an old man sat on a park bench sobbing

He walks up to him out of concern, and says "Is everything OK?".

The old man says "Well not really".

"What's wrong?" says the man?

"Well a couple of weeks ago, I married this 30 year old dancer. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. Every morning, she wakes me up with a cup of a tea and we make love, then she cooks me a fantastic breakfast. *SOB*".

"Well that doesn't sound so bad", says the man, "what are you upset about?".

"Well I lay in bed and read the paper and make a list of food for shopping, and then she goes to the market and buys the food, carrying it all home while I shower and go downstairs. Then she cooks me a fabulous lunch, and we make love the rest of the afternoon. *SOB*".

"But I don't understand", says the man, "why are you upset?".

The old man continues: "Well I play some games in the evening and then she cooks me an amazing dinner. After that she puts on her best lingerie, and then we make love again all evening until I doze off. *SOB*".

"OH COME ON!" says the man. "How can you be upset about that?"

The old man looks at him and says "I can't remember where I live".

Have a Happy Illa Day!!