Illarion Joke of the Day

[Juniper Onyx]

Happy New Year IG, year 75!! The month of Magic!!

Q: Why did the mages show up to the battle unarmed?

A: Their weapons were at a staff meeting.

A man goes to see a mage and says:

"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

"Maybe," says the mage, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"

The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

Q: What do you call a mage who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A: A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a mage, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered "Fine, but this time you hold the pigeon and I will poop on it."

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

Magic is an unending source of humor...

My best friend sent me a note by messenger saying, "An evil mage turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"
I ran all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big lyre!

3 men and a mage are on top of a tower with no way down. The Mage says to the three men, "jump and say something while falling, and whatever you said will meet you at the bottom"
The first man jumped and yelled "pillows!". The man landed safely on some pillows. The second man jumped and yelled "Hay!". He was saved by landing in a pile of hay. The third man took the longest to jump because he was afraid of heights, but when he finally jumped he look down and yelled "OH CRAP!"

Q: Why did the mage seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?
A: He was a neck romancer.

A mage is walking through Elstree Forest when he stumbles on a fairy in a tree. The mage asks what the fairy is doing and the fairy replies, "nothing just relaxing with a bottle of Elven Wine." The fairy then asks if the mage would like to join. The mage accepts. After drinking the Wine the mage gets a horrible thirst and tells the fairy he's going down to the river to get a drink of water and will be right back. Once at the river the mage meets a wolf. The wolf asks the mage why he's so thirsty and the mage tells the wolf about the fairy drinking wine in a tree. The wolf scoffs in disbelief and walks in to the forest to see for his self. Sure enough, the wolf finds the fairy and asks what he's doing and the inebriated fairy says to the wolf "woah! dude, how much water did you drink?"

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

Happiness is knowing it's another year until Mas!

Two men were walking home at night, fresh from saving Cadomyr from Mas and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

A band of adventurers accept a quest, to slay the Orc King.
Before heading out to fight the Orc King, they head to town to hire a mercenary.
The first one is a swordsman, who asks for 100 gold to join them.
The second is an archer, who wants 200 gold for her services.
The last one is a Spearman, who is willing to do it just for the experience...

...He's a free-lancer.

Q: What do you call a Bear with no teeth?

A: A Gummy Bear

A knight is riding on the road in search of adventures. He sees the road splitting ahead of him, and next to the fork. a rock with some writing upon it. The knight dismounts and reads:

"Should thou go right, thou shalt lose thy steed. Should thou go left, thou shalt lose thy life. Should thou go straight ahead, thou shalt go crazy."

"Well," the knight decides, "the other two sound trivial, so let's see what adventures lie straight ahead."

He rides for a few hours. The sun is hot, not a single creek or well in sight. Really thirsty, he suddenly seen a large lake. And next to that lake, a huge dragon is lying down.

The knight spurs his stallion, pounces upon the dragon and cuts off the head.

Immediately, the dragon grows two new ones. The knight cuts off one of those, and again two more grow. For nearly an hour, he hacks at the enemy, but to no avail. Finally, exhausted, he falls onto the ground.

"I can't go on," he breathes out. "You win."

The dragon looks at him saying, "Tell me, good sir, why did you attack me?"

"I... I wanted to have a drink of water," the knight answers.

"Are you crazy!? Who was stopping you!?"

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

It's Valentine's Day here in RL, so I won't bore you with those...until Siros....hehe...

Q: Why are mountains such terrible storytellers?

A: Because they always have cliffhangers!

As a young adventurer I visited the Nameless Mountains and I heard of a long and beautiful hike at the end of which I could meet a wise master. The journey was as rewarding as it was a challenge, and at the end I found a little old man with a long beard and a handmade cane in a cave. I waved to him, and he beckoned for me to come.

"I am the wise master." He said. "If you ask me for my wisdom, I will hit you with this stick. If you do not ask me for my wisdom, I will hit you with this stick."

I thought about this for a moment. "Well, wise Master. I hiked all this way, and either way you will hit me with the stick - so I might as well learn your wisdom."

Wise master smiled, took the stick, and gave me a hard whap on the head.

"The answer is to take the stick away, idiot." He said. "That is my wisdom, go away."

Q: What did the Undead Soldier say when he awoke?

A: Another beautiful day in the Corpse!!

A party of adventurers walks into an inn.
They start ordering rounds of ales one after another, and quickly end up very drunk.

Soon the fighter gets a bit rowdy, spills a guy's drink, and the two get into a drunken brawl. The landlord comes over and separates them, then throws the fighter out of the inn.

Not long after that, the sorcerer is trying to impress a girl at the bar by doing magic tricks, and suddenly lets off a stray fireball, which sets fire to a table. The landlord rushes over, puts out the fire, and kicks the sorcerer out into the street.

Then he hears a commotion over the other side of the bar, and sees that the cleric is drunkenly trying to preach to the other customers, who are angrily heckling him. The landlord shakes his head, rushes over and kicks the cleric out too.

By this point there's only one of the party left, and he's staggering around, barely able to stand. Suddenly he drunkenly clambers up onto a table, knocking over a whole bunch of drinks, then pulls out his lute and starts singing and playing, terribly off key, causing the other customers to boo and throw drinks at him.

The landlord pushes his way over through the angry crowd, grabs him by the collar and shouts "for heaven's sake, that's the final straw - you're bard!"

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

It's the month of Tanos IG, the Month of Floods, which we dedicate to the Goddess Tanora as the snows melt in the mountains, swelling the rivers and creeks and rejuvenating farmlands...

Q: What does a cyclone, flood, fire and a woman have in common?

A: Sooner or later one of them will get your house....

Two retired business men sitting on a beach.
Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.

John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.

Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"

Q: How did the dog survive a flood?

A: Because it was a good buoy

Beware of bards during floods.

They're known for luteing.

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

Tanos, the month of Floods...

Q: What did the beaver find after his home was destroyed by a flood?

A: Not a dam thing.

Did you know that the ocean isn't always salty?

Sometimes it's peppery.

Depends on the season.

Q: Why do you have to act quickly during a flood?

A: Because it's an emergent sea!!

After retiring, John moved into a cottage near the ocean. Every morning, while he ate his breakfast, he would look out the window at the ocean.
Almost every morning, John saw a young man sitting on the dock, fishing. It didn't matter if the weather was good, so-so, or downright terrible. The fisherman seemed to go to the dock every morning.

After he had lived in his cottage for a few months, John noticed something. Some mornings, the fisherman would sit on the left side of the dock. Other mornings, he would sit on the right side. And on still other mornings, the fisherman would sit at the end of the dock. There didn't seem to be a pattern to this. John wondered how the fisherman decided where to sit when he went fishing.

One morning, John decided he would find out. He got dressed, and without eating his breakfast, left the cottage and went to the dock, arriving there at the same time as the fisherman.

"Excuse me, sir," John said to the fisherman. "I've noticed that sometimes you fish from the left side of the dock, sometimes you fish from the right side of the dock, and sometimes you fish from the end of the dock. How do you decide where to fish from?"

"Well," said the fisherman, "every morning, I wake up and look at my wife. If she's lying on her left side, I fish from the left side of the dock. If she's lying on her right side, I fish from the right side of the dock. If she's lying on her stomach, I fish from the end of the dock."

"That's an interesting method," said John, "but what if she's lying on her back?"

The fisherman looked slyly at John and said, "On days like that, you don't go fishing."

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

I was walking in the woods yesterday and saw a few things....

Did you hear about the cow that cried wolf?
It's Fake Moos!

A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit. After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.

The wolf turns to the moose and says "Look, the bear and I are both carnivores. It's been a couple days without food. You understand, right?"

The moose says "Yeah, I guess you're right. But, listen before you kill and eat me, can I just ask for one last request? There is this birthmark under my tail that supposedly looks like a word, but I've never known what it says. Do you think you could take a look and tell me?"

The wolf says "Of course"

So the wolf and bear get close to the back of the moose and lift up his tail. Right at that moment, the moose gets up on his front legs and kicks both the wolf and bear in the chest.

The wolf is killed instantly. The bear is fatally wounded, and with his dying breath says "I don't even know why I looked. I can't even read."

Q: What do you call a wolf in sheep's clothing?

A: Woolf

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill. Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wolf was found dead on the forest floor.

The fox came later that day to confront the bear.

"Bear," she said. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" she asked.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, fox's mangled remains were found lying on the forest floor.

That day the rabbit, too, decided to confront the bear.

"Bear," he said. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the rabbit.

"It is." the bear growled.

"Can...can you remove it?"

"Oh, for sure."

Have a Happy Illa Day!!!

[Juniper Onyx]

Happy Monday! IG it's nearing the end of Tanos and there are more newcomers! Times are getting better!

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

A woman died and found herself standing outside Golden Gates, being greeted by Cherga.

She asked her, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is?

It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"

To which Cherga replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to my Realm, but you must do one more thing before you can enter."

The woman was very excited, and asked Cherga what she must do to pass through the gates.

"Spell a word," Cherga replied.

"What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered Cherga. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."

Cherga congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to the Realm beyond, and asked her if she would mind taking her place at the gates for a few minutes while she took a break.

"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"

Cherga reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Golden Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in Cherga's chair and watching the beautiful spirits soaring around her, when low and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband!

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was ambushed by Ratmen. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Cherga's Realm?"

To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, "ecclesiastical."

Q: When does a joke become a dad joke?

A: When it’s apparent.

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get his cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows."

They no sooner finished their big talk when a huge wagon pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest baddest bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the iron ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

Last Day of Tanos, so let's end with some Ocean humor!

Q: Why is the ocean so salty?

A: Because the land doesn't wave back.

Two dwarves are stranded in the middle of the ocean...
Thurm and Burble have been stuck in a lifeboat for weeks. They're out of water and supplies, and they're sure they're doomed.

They notice a sealed bottle bobbing toward their boat and scoop it out of the water. They open it up, and a genie pops out.

"Thank you for freeing me!" the genie says, "For your kind deed, I will grant you one wish!"

Before Burble can say anything, Thurm blurts out, "Turn the whole ocean into beer!"

The ocean turns a glistening golden amber and the genie vanishes. Burble punches Thurm in the arm and says,

"Way to go, idiot! Now we have to pee in the boat!"

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?

A: Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner....
Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

It's now Zhas IG, the month of loyalty....

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration...
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

A German shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died.
In heaven they faced God,who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German shepherd said "i believe in discipline, loyalty and training to my master".
"Good" said God. "You may sit on my right side".
The Doberman said "I believe in love,care and protection of my master".
"Aha,you may sit on my left" said God.
Then God looked at the cat and said" and what do you believe in"?
The cat replied " I believe you are sitting in my seat".

I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it.

After working hard his entire life and religiously saving his money, one man’s dying wish was to be buried with every coin he had earned.

Of course, this last selfish request would have left his widow destitute, but apparently, a lifetime of love and devotion wasn’t worth much to him.

“Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me,” the man said to his wife shortly before he passed away. “Because I want to take all my money to the after life.”

He made her promise that she would honor his dying wish, and being a good, loyal woman, she remained true to her word.

On the day the man was laid to rest, the widow dressed in black and watched her husband’s body stretched out in the coffin as her best friend sat beside her for support.

Before the casket was closed, she placed a bag containing all of her deceased husband’s money beside him.

“I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man,” exclaimed the woman’s friend in disbelief.

“Yes, I promised. I’m a good, loyal woman, so I won’t lie. I promised him that I was to put that money in that casket with him,” the widow replied.

“You mean to tell me you put every coin of his money in the casket with him?” asked her friend.

“I sure did,” said the widow. “I got it all together, put it into my depot and I wrote him an I.O.U.”

Have a Happy Illa Day!!
**PS - I just realized it's been a full IG year of jokes!! (end of Tanos 74- beginning of Zhas 75) Yay!!

[Juniper Onyx]

One day in Galmair...

Q: What is the difference between a Dwarf and a Midget?

A: Very little

I was reading in Gruem's Sewer Papers that a dwarf got pickpocketed...
How could anyone stoop so low?

Q: What's the worst thing to ask a Dwarf child?

A: What do you want to be when you grow up?

AND....

Q: What's the worst thing to ask a Dwarf adult?

A: What do you want to be when you grow up?

I gave the Dwarves some good news,
But 6 out of 7 were not Happy!

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

If Dwarves are short, Elves are...

Q: How tall are baby cows?

A: About calf height

You can never trust tall people...
They always think they’re above everyone else.

Q: Which Goddess is 3.37 feet tall?

A: Demeter

A dwarf, an elf, and a man are wading a river.
The elf says, “Wow, the water reaches up to my waist!”
The man says, “Well it reaches my chest.”
The dwarf says nothing.

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

I've been travelling a lot lately, and it got me thinking....

Q: Why do teenagers always travel in groups of 3, 5, or 7?

A: Because they can’t even.

A man was travelling the countryside with his 8-year-old daughter. One particularly stormy night they were forced to take shelter in a local mansion owned by a lonely widow. The widow was happy to receive guests and was very hospitable for the two weary travellers.
The next morning the father said to his daughter:

"I have to take care of some business in the nearby town. Mrs. Sterling has kindly agreed to look after you while I'm gone. I will be back tomorrow morning. Promise to be good while I'm gone."

"Yes father, I promise", the little girl said, though deep down she was nervous to spend the night in the big house without her father.

Nighttime came and the widow took the little girl to her room upstairs. But not an hour had passed when the lady heard crying from the little girl's room.

"What is it, my sweet child? Did you have a nightmare?" The widow inquired softly.

"There is someone in this room. Behind the curtains. I'm scared", the girl whimpered pitifully.

The widow walked to the window and pulled the curtains aside.

"See? There is no one here. It was probably the draft moving the curtains as this is a very old house. Now be a good little girl and go back to sleep."

But only a short moment had passed when the widow once again heard cries from the little girl's room.

"My sweet child, what is it now?"

"There is someone here, I swear! I saw it in the corner. It's a ghost", the little girl whimpered in her bed.

"There is no one here but you and me, dear. It is probably just shadows from the old oak tree outside playing tricks with your eyes. Your father will be back with us first thing tomorrow morning. Now for the last time, be a good little girl and try to get some sleep."

An hour passed and the widow was woken up by a knock on her door. She saw the little girl standing outside in her nightgown weeping pitifully.

"For heaven's sake child! It's past midnight and you should be fast asleep! What is it now?" The widow asked, exasperated.

"I saw the ghost again, miss! It won't let me sleep. Can I come sleep next to you?"

"Now listen to me carefully, child. I have lived in this house for 367 years and not once have I seen a ghost! Now for the last time, go back to bed and try to get some sleep."

I was gonna tell a joke about time traveling
But you guys didn't like it

A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips...
"Are you the friar?" he asked.

The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

While travelling, there's no place better to rest than a good Inn or Tavern, swap stories, refresh, rest....

A three legged dog walks into a tavern and says:
I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!

A priestess stood outside a tavern, scolding patrons as they entered about the evils of alcohol...
One traveler stops to discuss the matter:

“See here, Sister- it’s really not fair for you to stand there and scold people on a subject on which you yourself have no experience. I mean- have you ever even tried alcohol? Even once?”

“Most certainly not!” the priestess says, blushing.

“Well listen- wouldn’t it make a little sense if you at least tried some before you knocked it?”

The priestess thinks about it, then says- “Perhaps you’re right.”

“Okay! Now we’re talking! What would you like to try?”

“I’ve heard something about a... Berry Booze with a twist of Tangerine.”

“Comin’ right up, Sister!”

The guy walks in and orders a Berry Booze with a twist of tangerine. The bartender goes- “A Berry Booze with a twist of ta— IS THAT PRIESTESS OUT THERE AGAIN?!?”

An attractive woman took a seat next to me at a tavern last night…

And brought it to her friend's table…

A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.
"What'll ya have?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.

So the husband orders a couple of Bear Slayers and gulps his down in one go.

His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.

"Yuck! It tastes awful, worse than awful!" she splutters. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go!" cries the husband. "And you think I am out enjoying myself every night!"

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

It's the month of "Ushos" IG now, the month of sowing...

Q: Why did the tomato turn red?

A: Because it saw the salad dressing!

I was walking past a farm and a sign said ‘Duck, eggs’.
I thought, "that’s an unnecessary comma." And then it hit me!

Q: What did the grape say when it got stepped on?

A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

A young boy living on a farm came down to eat breakfast.

His Mother told him he had to do his chores before he could eat. He got mad but went out to do his chores when a chicken ran across in front of him so being still mad he kicked it. Momma was watching. When the cow kicked over the milk pail, he kicked the cow. Momma was watching. When a pig splattered mud on his jeans he kicked the pig. Momma was watching.

So he goes in for breakfast and Momma said, “since you kicked the chicken, you’ll get no eggs. Since you kicked the cow, you’ll get no milk and since you kicked the pig you’ll get no bacon.”

When about that time his Daddy came down the stairs and the cat almost tripped him he kicked the cat clean across the room. To which the Son said to his Momma, “Are you gonna tell him what he doesn't get or should I?!”

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

Ye Reap what ye sow, or something like that...Karma's a strange harpy....

Q: What’s the most terrifying word in Alchemy?

A: Oops!

I'm a firm believer in karma...

All of the people I treated badly had it coming to them.

Q: Why don't pirates take a shower before they walk the plank

A: Cause they wash up on shore

A woman giving birth went into a coma for a few days

When she woke up, the medico told her, “congratulations, you gave birth to healthy twins: a girl and a boy. Your ex-boyfriend visited and named them for you”

The woman replies, “no not him! What did he name the boy?”

Medico: Mason

Woman: Oh that’s actually not a bad name. How about the girl?

Medico: Madaughter

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

I heard the first aid lecture was excellent, however, we never seem to have enough medicos. What would happen if plague hit illarion?

Q: What's it called when two strains of a disease are identical?

A: plague-arism

I told my friend i couldn't hang out because i have the bubonic plague
He just said "aw rats" and walked off

Proposal: What if we strap "Big Explosion" Potions in tiny bottles to rats and send them all over Illarion...
it would start an all new Boombonic plague!

Two cows were talking over the fence bordering their farms.

The first cow said "Have you heard about this mad cow disease, it's spreading really fast."

The second cow responded "What do I care? I'm a pink, fluffy unicorn!"

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

Almost the end of Ushos IG...from Friendship to Love as we approach Siros!

Q: What do you call a boatload of buddies?

A: A friendship!

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group.
I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

I don't make friends with people wearing eyepatches.
Friendship has two 'i's.

Bob goes to his friend Johnny and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Priest's wife. Can you hold him at the Temple for an hour after services for me?"

Johnny doesn't like it but being Bob's long time friend, he agrees. After service, he starts talking to the Priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the Priest gets annoyed and asks Johnny what he's really up to.

Johnny, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Priest. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied".

The Priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Johnny's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago".

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

It's Siros IG...the month of Love!!

Q: What flower gives the most kisses?

A: Tulips!!

I fell in love with an Orc.
It didn’t work out. I wanted to settle down. He just wanted to go clubbing.

I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels
Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

It's Siros, Spring and love is in the air...

I think my deaf girlfriend is falling in love with a deaf friend of hers.
I’ve been noticing and the signs aren’t good.

A guy was admitted to the hospital and he fell in love with the medico.

She used to take care of him and very nice to him. Always checking up on him and giving him extra attention compared to other patients. Therefore, the guy thought that the medico was into him as well.

The guy was shy and couldn't ask the her out on date. But after he was discharged, he somehow managed to send a note to her. The message read, "Hi, I'm the patient you looked after. I've been thinking about it and I think you've stolen my heart".

The medico didn't reply for two days and the patient was sure that he won't be getting any reply from her.

Then out of the blue, she replied: " Whatever you are accusing me of is not true. We only took one kidney out".

Q: What do they call people who fall in love with Satyrs?

A: Pan-Sexuals!

Earl and Darling are in love
Their relationship is prefect, they date, become engaged, and finally marry.

Then their first child comes and a healthy son is brought into this world. Darling has always been a bit of a druid and she thinks that "Love" is the perfect name for him. Earl isn't quite sure about this, but he accepts his wife's decision.

Well Love grows up and it did not go well. The other kids all make fun of him. However his mother refuses to let him go by a nickname or anything but Love.

One day Love can't take it anymore and finds Earl's Hunting Bow. He goes downstairs and shoots Earl straight in the chest while screaming that his life is ruined because of his stupid name.

Darling runs over and kneels down next to Earl. Earl looks up at her and with his last breath tells her.

"Shot through the heart and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

More Love then I can handle....

Q: Why did Cherga fall in love with her victim?

A: She just couldn't get enough of demise.

You know that tingly sensation you get when you fall in love with somebody?
That's common sense leaving your body.

Q: What do you call two birds in love?

A: Tweethearts.

Did you hear about the two loaves of bread that fell in love?
They decided to raise some dough, put a bun in the oven, and grow mold together.

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

I was walking through the Marketplace today when...

Q: What do you call baby Potatoes?

A: Tater tots!

A Guy Goes To the Market

A guy goes buying produce & fills his cart with 1 Cucumber, 3 Carrots & a bottle of Orange juice.

He heads to pay for them. The farmer looks at his items and says, “Oh. You must be single, huh?”

“Yes actually I am. How’d you know?” replied the guy.

“Because you’re ugly.”

Q: Where do lizards go to fix their fallen tails?

A: The retail shop.

I was at the Market when a beautiful woman walks by...

I said to her, “I can’t seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?”

“Sure, but how will that help?”

“Once she sees me talking to you, I’ll bet you anything she’ll appear out of nowhere.”

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

It's the month of Ronas IG...the month of Generosity!!

It doesn't matter how much kindness and generosity you teach your Children..
German Kids Are always going to be Kinder
((This was perfect!! Couldn't resist the humor here!))

A racist walks into a crowded bar. He looks around and sees an Elf sitting in a corner. The racist walks up to the bar, turns around and announces, "I'm going to buy everyone in this bar a free drink, except for that Elf over there!" Everybody is clapping and cheering for the racist and when he buys the last pint, the Elf turns around, puts his thumb up and says, "Thanks mate!" The racist is slightly puzzled by his reaction but doesn't pay too much attention to it.

The next night, the racist goes into the same bar and again, there is an Elf sitting in the corner, so the man, again, goes to the bar, turns around and says, "I'm going to buy everyone here a free drink, except for that Elf over there!" The crowd are all ecstatic and are hugging and cheering the racist for his generosity. When he buys the last pint, the Elf turns around, puts his thumb up and says, "Thanks mate!" The racist scratches his head and asks the barman, "Why is that Elf thanking me when he's the only person I'm not buying drinks for?"

"Well" the barman responds, "he owns this place."

Q: Why are people with dextrocardia so generous?

A: Cause their heart is in the right place.

A beggar stops a man and asks for some money to buy something to eat...
The man replied, "I'll tell you what I can do, seeing as I'm on my way to the Tavern, how about I buy you a drink?"

The beggar proclaims, "but I do not drink, I'm just looking for money to get something to eat."

"Well how about a pouch of Tobacco and a Pipe I've received from my latest trip to the market?"

The beggar replies, "sir, thank you but I do not smoke, I only want something to eat."

"How about we head to the Galmair sewers and I'll place a bet on some dice games, I received a tip and you and I can split the winnings?"

The hbeggar again protests, "I really appreciate your generosity but I do not gamble, I'm just looking for some food to eat."

"Okay I'll tell you what we are going to do, come back home with me tonight and my wife will make us some dinner. I would really like her to meet you."

The beggar starts to feel a tad suspicious and says, "do you think she would mind a man of my low stature sitting at your table for dinner?"

"Doesn't matter. She needs to know what happens to someone who doesn't drink, smoke, or gamble."

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

((Sorry for the delay, but I was on vacation for a week without wifi. I knew I had withdrawals when my thumbs started tapping my wife's arm, I was texting in my sleep! LOL!! I know several of you like these so I'll continue now. Enjoy! ))

It's the month of Bras IG, the month of Immolation! The month of Fire!

My father always told me you gotta fight fire with fire...
Great guy, horrible firefighter.

Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad of Archers.

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.

The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he was brought forward for his execution, he yelled "earthquake"! Again, the firing squad panicked and the second man took advantage of it to jump over the wall and into freedom.

The third man thought he saw the pattern: yell a disaster and jump over the wall. When he was finally brought forward, with a smirk on his face he yelled "fire"!

Q: What do you call a woman throwing her bills in a fire?

A: Bernadette

Two Orcs sitting around a fire eating dinner,

One of them says, "Meh nub like yur mother-in-law!"

"Den add more sugar! Hur, Hur!!"

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

Q: What did the tired dragon make for dinner?

A: Flamin yawn

Captain Malchus is patrolling through the jungle when suddenly his squad of mercenaries gets ambushed. An incendiary potion lands by his feet and explodes in a ball of flame. Soren exclaims, "Is he dead?!"
Beerus replies, "He's toast"

Two Dragons walk into a bar
Dragon 1: It's hot in here

Dragon 2: Shut your mouth

Grandson Talking to His Grandfather:
"Grandpa, after 65 years of marriage, you still call Grandma 'sweetheart', 'darling' and 'honey'. What's your secret to keeping the flame burning?"

Grandpa: "I forgot her name 5 years ago and I don't dare ask"

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

Immolation is not just about fire, but giving up a sacrifice in honor of something dear. Sometimes people make the ultimate sacrifice for their beliefs...
((Suicide is a real problem, and we do not advocate for it. If you or anyone you know is considering it, please call your country's local suicide hotline. In the US it is: 202-536-3200 Germany is: 0800-111-0111 and England text 'shout' to 85258 ))

Tried committing suicide last night...
Never doing that again, I almost killed myself!

An old man was walking on a park adjoining the cliff famous for suicides and saw a young woman standing at the edge contemplating suicide
He approached her.

She: "Don't come near me!!"

Old man : "Since you are going to die anyway, cant you make this old man happy with a quickie?"

She shrieked "Over my dead body, you filthy pervert"

Old man "Ok, if that's the case, I'll walk down and wait for you at the bottom" and then he walked away.

The woman stood for another 10 minutes and then turned around and left.

The old man who was watching her from the bushes exclaimed, "7 suicide attempts saved this month!"

Q: How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

A: There are daggers stuck in the mirror.

The problem with suicide jokes
Is that they end abruptly

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

It's now the month of Eldas IG, the month of abstinence....oh boy! There's plenty of jokes about that!!

Q: What do you call a Flower that practices abstinence?

A: A Lovemenot

Periodic abstinence as contraception can be successful, provided one meets three very strict conditions:
1. The woman must have a very regular menstrual cycle.
2. You must be able to count well.
3. And you must really love children.

~Loosely translated from Herman Finkers.

Tell me a joke about abstinence
I’ll wait…

A 93 year old man is about to marry a 24 year old girl...
He goes to the medico and asks for an herbal remedy after telling the medico his situation with an impending new young bride.

The medico warns him: “ Given the length of time that you have abstained from sex, I’ve got to warn you- sex could prove to be fatal.”

“Well”, says the old man, “if she dies, she dies.”

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

A Human and an Orc were talking one day,
Human: So, when is your Birthday?
Orc: Eldas 1st
Human: What year?
Orc: Every year!

A reporter for the Sewer Papers decided to interview a Dwarf who just turned 100 years old, to highlight the health benefits of abstaining.

On the day of the interview the reporter is led into the old man's house by his caregiver. The caregiver took him to the old man who was bedridden and under the care of a medico.

"So you've never had any alcohol in your life?", asked the reporter. The old man struggled to answer, "That's right, son, not one drop."

"Would you say that it's thanks to abstaining that you managed to reach the amazing age of 100 years old?".

The old man was about to answer, but they were startled by a loud crash in the next room. They could hear curses and the sound of breaking furniture.

"What was that?", asked the reporter.

"Oh, that's just my grandfather,", said the old man, "He's been drunk the whole week again."

Oxiana: You've been brought to trial for drinking.
Dwarf: Swell! Let's get started!

A Halfling was sympathizing with a Norodaj Human who lost three wives in less that a year. The Halfling asked how they died.
"Vell, da first vun died from poisoned mushrooms," explained the Norodaj.
"And the second one?" Asked the Halfling?
"Same ting...poisoned mushrooms."
"How about the last?"
"Oh her," said the Norodaj, "Fractured skull."
"How?"
"Wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

Q: What do you call a man on a diet?

A: Les

An Orc started a Vegetarian diet...

Now he only eats Rabbits, Cows, Sheep, Pigs and all the other vegetarians he can catch!

Q: Why did the blonde Halfling eat her food quickly?

A: She thought she was fasting!

A week ago, Borgate started an alcohol diet...

So far he's lost two days!!

Have a Happy Illa Day!!

[Juniper Onyx]

We are halfway through the month, halfway through the year....

Q: Why did Captain Morgenstern wear a hat that came halfway down his head?

A: Because of his privateers!

The farmer sells his cow for 2000 silvers to a buyer at the market.
The farmer initially promises to deliver the cow to the man in a week, but halfway through that week, the cow dies.

The farmer offers to return the money, but the man decides to proceed with the purchase. In the following week, the farmer encounters the man and inquires about the fate of the deceased cow.

The man reveals that he organized a lucky draw, charging 50 silvers per entry for a chance to win a cow, and 100 people participated, generating 5000 silvers!

When asked if anyone was upset about the cow, the man explains that only the winner was disappointed, but he refunded that individual's 50 silvers.

Life is like being halfway through a bad movie,

might as well see how it ends.

An optimist says the glass of wine is half full, the pessimist says it’s half empty, and the realist says it’s not one or the other, but exactly halfway filled.
Meanwhile while the three are arguing, the opportunist comes in and drinks the entire glass of wine.

Have a Happy Illa Day!!