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A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”

A Cadomyrian lumberjack is interviewing for a job from Bernie in Galmair. Bernie decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." Bernie said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.

"Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here." Bernie points out a much larger tree.

One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.

"That's incredible!" Cried Bernie. "Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!"

"In the Kantabi Forest." Replied the lumberjack.

"Don't you mean the Kantabi Desert?" Asked Bernie.

"That's why I'm here."

A lumberjack walks up to Bernie to get paid.
Bernie says, “ I have a coins here for cutting down 236 trees this week.”

The lumberjack replies, “I actually cut down 237 trees.”

”Are you sure?”, says Bernie, “I only counted 236 in the Depot.”

“Sure, I’m sure,” replies the lumberjack. “I kept a log”.

A lumberjack Orc says to another, "You know I can cut a log just by looking at it."

The other lumberjack Orc says “that’s not possible”.

The lumberjack says “It may seem impossible but I saw it with my own two eyes."

To trap a bear, you dig a huge pit, at least 10 feet deep and 10 feet in diameter. Then you go and find as much deadfall as you can and bring it to the pit. You light that on fire and let it burn to ashes.

Next you line a row of peas along the perimeter of the hole. Once that is done, hide behind a bush and wait.

Then when the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole!

I nearly stepped on a trap door the other day,
But I ain't falling for that!

The artist was the best. She could always draw a crowd.

Did You Hear About the Pottery Furnace That Exploded?
It was terrible. They had to notify its next of kiln.

When someone asks me if my champagne glass is half-empty or half-full, I say, "Either way, fill it up."

And for all those players who complain about occasional game lag,
let's not forget there was a guy 2000 years ago who took 3 days to respawn!!

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...
Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".

Three Lizardmen are running across the Kantabi desert when they stumble upon a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first Lizardman thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second Lizardman thinks even harder.

"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third Lizardman, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous Lizardmen.

"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

And suddenly a Meteor hits the desert, killing all three.

If getting meat is murder...
...then is making cake battery?

A lost dog wanders through the Forest. In the distance a Bear sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."
The Bear then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Bear meat is delicious!" and started chewing on the bone.

The Bear suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he looks, I better go while I can."

A rabbit was watching this nearby. Apparently, the rabbit thought that if he told the Bear, he would get something in return. Then the rabbit told the Bear the truth, and the Bear got angry and said: "Get on my back, and I'll take you with me."

And he began to run after the dog. When the dog saw this, he realized what had happened and began to panic even more. Then he had another idea, and he yelled: "Where the hell is that rabbit! I told him to bring me another Bear an hour ago!"

A Vampire walks into a Bar and drops a sack on the table, clearly and plainly labeled "Noses 4 Sale". The Bartender asks, "Is that actually a bag of human noses?"
"Well, I suppose mostly Human. There's some Halfling in there too. Two Gold each or I'll trade you a nose fer 2 ales from your Bar."
The Bartender recoils in horror, but eventually curiosity gets the better of him. "Ale is only a Silver! Why would you offer that discount?"
"Oh," the Vampire says, "It's just my nature. I've always got a nose fer a two."

There was a gathering of all the giant races that lasted late into the night. As it went on, one by one, the various races began to leave until only one was left. Then they shrugged and decided to go home because it was all ogre.

I had trouble believing the party rogue was stealing tavern placards, but when I checked his house, the signs were all there.

It's hard to explain metaphors to thieves, because they're always taking things, literally.

After a successful harvest, a farmer decides to treat his wife to a barrel of wine.

He brings it home and places it outside their cottage to celebrate his and his wife’s success.

The farmer wakes up the next day to find the barrel only half full, despite the fact that they’d only had a few glasses each. Outraged by the thievery, he posts a sign that reads, “Farmer Joe owns this wine. Thieves will be killed.”

He and his wife continue their celebration that evening, satisfied. The next morning, however, the barrel is only a quarter full, and the farmer is furious. “Honey, you’re doing everything wrong,” his wife says. She creates a new sign that reads, “Piss barrel. Do not drink!” The farmer laughs at her cunning idea that no one in their right mind would steal from the barrel.

The farmer returns the next morning to check the contents, hoping he hasn’t lost any more wine and discovers the barrel is once again full.

There used to be a farmer a long, long time ago.

He used to grow wheat, and the quality of his crop was unrivaled. He was famous throughout the world for his top-quality wheat harvest.

Until this fateful day, everything was going smoothly for him. On this day, his most bitter rival stole all of his wheat in the middle of the night. Nothing was left on the field. He was broken because wheat was his only source of income. But there was nothing that could be done now. So he fell asleep, and cried.

The following day, however, he read the most shocking headline in Galmair's Newspaper, the Sewer Papers. The man who had stolen his wheat had died of a severe headache. A severe headache that caused his head to explode.

The farmer couldn’t figure out how that happened at first. Then it struck him, “He had migraine.”

Recently, a farmer purchased a Perfect, Brand New, extra sharp Scythe from Bernie.

He accidentally cuts his finger off while inspecting a blade one day.

So his wife picks up the finger and walks him to the hospital. The medico examines it and manages to reattach it like new, using a needle and thread, and a small potion.

A few weeks later, the farmer has his leg amputated while cutting wheat. Panicky, the wife places the swollen leg in a leather bag and rushes her husband back to the hospital. The medico says, “Yes, a magic potion is the way to go,” and the farmer follows the medico’s advice, using magic potions to save the leg once reattaches by needle and thread.

Sometime later, he slips and falls head first into the Scythe, where he is decapitated. The wife is in tears and bags up the head before taking it to the medico again. When asked if he can attach it or use a Magic Potion, the medico shakes his head sadly, picking up the leather bag with the farmer’s head.

“He died of suffocation.” concludes the medico.

What happens when you weep over a poor apple harvest?

You grow a pear.

An adventuring party finds a pile of treasure at the end of a Dungeon. The Mage sees a staff and gets excited about the prospect of a new magic item. She picks it up and begins trying to use it, but every time she does, a booming voice says, "This treatment is unfair! No work without fair wages!" and nothing else happens.
Confused, she takes it back to town to be identified. The Archmage takes it and looks closely at it for a bit and then says, "Oh! I see the problem. This is a Staff of Striking!"

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet...
She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy.

I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?

My girlfriend called me a gullible idiot and said I shouldn't believe everything I see on the Internet

I told her I don't have to put up with this, not when there are desperate single Milfs less than a mile away!

I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.

I couldn’t connect to the server

A dwarf is thrown in the Runewick jail for public intoxication ...
... The next day he's brought into court and the Archmage says, "My good sir, you've been brought here for drinking." He says, "Alright, let's get started!"

A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern for the first time after his honeymoon.
He is greeted fondly and his friends buy him a few rounds. He gladly downs them and then orders a drink of his own.

A few drinks in he overhears three of the older farmers talking.

"You see this! Mary damn near bit my neck off yesterday! I was howling like a dog for an hour!" one says.

"Pffft that's child's play!" another man slurs. He unbuttons his shirt and shows off his back covered in red criss-crossing cuts. "Helga was running hot and decided to grind me up against my fence and ruined my best shirt. I couldn't put my shoes on this morning 'cause of my damned back!"

"That's nothing!" one of the men says as he hikes up his pants leg and shows of a fresh red lump. "Bella though she'd try something new and ended up almost kicking my beans off! Couldn't walk for hours!"

The young farmer, having just had the most wonderful honeymoon, trots over and drops his pants showing off his family jewels, chaffed and red from nonstop love making.

"My Elizabeth and I did everything you could think of for 2 weeks straight! Beat that!"

The men stare in silence and until one man speaks up "Who names their horse Elizabeth?"

A young dwarven miner walks into a seedy tavern in Galmair. Galmair! He finally made it. He had several items on his must-do list, and this tavern was one of them. The Goulash ((+1Str, +1Con, +1Dex, +1Agi)), he'd been told, was world famous!

As he sits down at the bar, he notices a grizzled old dwarven miner with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of goulash. The young miner excitedly ordered ordered a bowl, but was told, "Sorry, just ran out."

Disappointed, he orders a beer, wondering if he'd be able to come back on his way home. After a few minutes of noticing the old miner still just sitting there, the newby miner bravely asks the old miner. "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The old veteran of a thousand mines slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says. "Nah, you go ahead."

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new clothes, untainted by coal-dust, reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead rat in the goulash. Eyes wide and gut wrenching, he suddenly throws up the goulash back into the bowl. The old miner quietly says. "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

An old wealthy merchant is dying and decides to dictate his will...
He bequeaths his vast fortune to his two sons. However, the sensible and hard-working farmer, Charles, only gets one tavern, while the dissolute drunkard warrior, Henry, gets everything else.

The local Priest, who came to visit the dying man, tries to instruct him to the path of wisdom:

"It's none of my business, of course... It's your money and your sons... But Henry will drink away all your fortune in six months!!!"

"Correct. But where would he drink it away if there is only one tavern in town?"

A chicken walks into a tavern and orders a beer.
The bartender thinks "Wow, a talking chicken," and pours him a beer.

The bartender asks "I don't think I've seen you in here before. Do you live in the neighborhood?"

The chicken says "No, I live on the other side of Nargun's Plain. I'm a jewelry maker, and I'm working in the mines here in Galmair. I just dropped in for a beer before going home for the day."

The bartender, while trying to imagine how a chicken makes jewelry, much less swing a pickaxe! The Bartender asks "Well, how is that jewelry job treating you?"

The chicken says "Well, as you know, there's a lot of finesmiths here. The pay isn't that great, but it pays for some luxuries and keeps me in chicken feed. I get along with the other trades, so I guess it's O.K."

The bartender says "I have a friend who runs a circus. Would you like to talk to him about a gig with the circus?

The chicken said "That's ridiculous. What would a circus want with jewelry?"

((And the Galmair Anthem, BTW ))

A bear walks into a tavern and sits at the bar.

The bartender says, "What can I get’cha there, Bruno?"

The bear says, "I'll have a rum and..."

He's silent for 30 seconds, then adds, "Juice."

The bartender says "OK. But what's with the big pause?"

The bear lifts his front feet to his face, looks at them, and says "I've had them all my life. Ya got a problem with that, buddy?’

"Doctor, everytime I play a table-top role playing game I get really distracted."

Doctor: "Sounds like you may have AD&D"

An 87 year old man marries a 27 year old girl...
They decide to go to exotic India for their honeymoon. But once they arrive the man is exhausted by jet lag and isn't able to consummate the marriage. He begs her forgiveness and says "I just need a little nap and then we can go."

3 hours later he's still asleep and his young chick is bored and decides to go walk around outside the hotel. The bazaar is fascinating, with all kinds of interesting foods and odd characters and then there was this one guy - the Snake Charmer. He's hypnotizing these snakes with his flute, but what really caught her attention was when he dropped a coiled rope on the ground and started playing again.

The coiled rope uncurled and slowly rose up in the air, stiff and hard. She begins to chat up the guy and he finally agrees to sell her his instrument for $1,000.

She heads back to the hotel and sure enough her 87 year old husband is still fast asleep and she wants some action. She stands over him and begins playing the flute and yes she gets a response.

The man's eyes pop open and he glances down at his waist and says "Becky look what's happening to the string on my pajamas!"

The following items have either been fixed or enhanced.

The begging skills should be fully functional again. In fact, you will be able to use it on other players.

Gold will no longer be lost when collecting it from vendors who have large amounts. Instead vendors will use the gold to buy boats and women, and retire to the palace in Nujel'M.

Dyes and dye tubs will always make everything turn black. They will be usable on clothing, armor, hair, skin, horses, grass, trees, rocks and other players.

Mining without room in your backpack will destroy your backpack. Items that fall out of decayed player corpses will now be contained in a locked, trapped chest.

Bankers will no longer deal with players. This will put a damper on one particular thief tactic in banks. In fact, it should largely curtail all of the activity at banks.

The radius you can detect hidden in will now increase based on your skill, up to almost the full Shard for a grandmaster.

Hiding will cause you to become poisoned.

Spellcasting creatures and NPCs will now cast Reactive Armor on Energy Vortexes and then Provoke them to attack you.

It will no longer be possible to gate.

Looting while hidden will result in becoming poisoned.

A problem with the formula used in the healing skill will be fixed. The result is that the healing skill will cause you to become poisoned.

Killing cows will no longer lower karma. However, pigs cast flamestrike. Both animals are now poisonous.

The "combat auto-move" bug will be fixed. You will now be unable to move while in combat.

The problem whereby people of karma tier -4 could not deal with shopkeepers will be fixed. However, shopkeepers will be poisonous.

Ordering a pet or hireling to become friends with inanimate objects will not be possible. In fact, there will be no more friends in the game at all. It's a dog-eat-dog world.

Oh, and Dogs are now poisonous. *Ressurrection while the resurrection menu is up will be completely impossible. This should finally fix all those ghost house-break-in exploit.

The "You are already casting" bug will be fixed by purchasing UO Assist.

Taste Id and Animal Lore are still useless skills. Can you believe they are even on the skill list? What the hell were we thinking?

Provocation will no longer flag anyone criminal, because everyone will already be flagged criminal all the time anyway.

Any use of the herding skill will result in immediate death. The problem with beggars talking to you from miles away will be fixed. Beggars will now teleport to your location to keep up

Resurrectors will now die.

Murder counts will atrophy at the rate of 1 per minute.

Time flies like the wind, and
Fruit flies like bananas.

One Wish
A man was walking along the beach in Cadomyr, when he found an old bottle buried in the sand. He picked it up and cleaned it with his sleeve. Whereupon a genie appeared and offered him one wish.

"Well my family lives in Salkamar. It would be great if there was a bridge between here and Salkamar so I could walk and visit them."

"What!" cried the genie. "Have you any idea what building such a bridge would involve? The gigantic pillars all the way to the sea bed? The hundreds of taverns to be supplied along the way? The chaos to the ships? It would cost Tens of Thousands of Gold coins! Are you sure there isn't anything else you'd like?"

The man thought for a moment. "Y'know, I've never had much luck in my relationships. Could you give me a complete understanding of women?"

The genie replied, "Was it four tiles wide you wanted or six?"

A man is walking through the woods, and he finds a magic lamp on the ground. Instinctively, he picks the lamp up, rubs the side of it with his sleeve, and out pops a genie. The genie thanks the man for freeing him, and offers to grant him three wishes. The man is ecstatic and knows exactly what he wants. “First,” says the man, “I want a million gold coins.” The genie snaps his fingers and a cart full of gold coins materializes out of thin air. The man is wide eyed in amazement and continues, “Next, I want a huge estate.” The genie snaps his fingers and a mansion of an estate appears from a puff of smoke. The man continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.” The genie snaps his fingers and the man promptly turns into a box of chocolates.

In their small village, a couple was famous for the husband being 102 years old and his wife being 98 years old, and both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people. One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age. The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man: "I hear you are 102!" "That's correct." said the old man with a smile. "Wow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!" "Thank you." Said the old man humbly. "Do you mind if I ask-" "-How am I this healthy at my age?" finished the old man. "Help me carry this wood back home and I'll tell you." The visitor agrees and they make their way inside. "You see," said the old man, "I've been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 kilometers. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, I've been running 5 kilometers almost every day for 75 years! That's why I'm in the great shape I am." "But if that's the case," said the puzzled visitor, "how come your wife is in such great shape too?" "Well," smiled the old man, "she usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole five."

A Man walks into a Bar and sees a competition happening, "Whoever can make this Horse laugh, will get free drinks the whole night!" the Bartender says. The Man walks over and whispers something in the Horse's ear and the Horse starts laughing. Amazed, the bartender serves him free drinks all night.
The Man walks into the Bar the next night and a competition is happening again, "Whoever can make this Horse cry will get free drinks the whole night!" the bartender says. The Man walks over to the Horse again and whispers something in it's ear," causing the Horse to cry. Amazed, the Bartender agrees to serve the man free drinks.
"What did you tell that Horse to make him laugh the first night and cry tonight?" the bartender asked.
The Man explains, "Well, last night I told him I was bigger than him and tonight I showed him!"

A high and mighty Knight of Cadomyr was killing some deer in the country near Runewick one day, when one deer happened to cross onto a nearby farm, just after he injured it, and it died on the Farmer's land. Just as the Knight was going to retrieve it, an elderly Halfling farmer showed up and asked what the knight was doing.
The knight said, "I killed this deer, but it wandered onto your farm before it died. I was just about to retrieve it."
The farmer replied, "This is my property and that makes it my deer."
The Knight said, "Look, I killed it, so that makes it mine."
The Farmer replied, "Well I can tell you don't know how we settle disputes here. We use the 'Three Kick Rule'."
"What's the Three Kick Rule?," The Knight asked.
The farmer replies, "Since it died on my land, I'll Kick you three times, then you kick me three times, and so on until someone gives up."
The Knight thought about this and figured, he could easily out kick the old halfling farmer, "Agreed"
The Halfling walked up the the Knight and Kicked him hard in the Groin, hurting the Knight and making him fall to his knees. Then a second kick to the Knight's midsection, dropped him to all fours, and finally a kick to his rear knocked the Knight face-first into a cow-pie. The knight summoned every bit of strength and got back to his feet.
Wiping his face with a cloth, he looked at the old farmer and said, "Ok old man, my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "I give up, you can have the deer" and left.
((Runewick 3 - Cadomyr - 0 LOL!!))

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his Depot, sorting all his Wines, Beer and Liquors. His wife was standing nearby watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit drinking. You spend so much time with friends and at the Tavern. You could probably get a good price for your drinks."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.

Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.
“I want to go home,” says the first friend. The genie grants her wish.
“I want to go home, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends him back home.
“I’m lonely,” says the third friend. “I sure wish my friends were back here."

A Man invites a fairy to dinner with his family. "Family," he says, I met this Fairy in the Elstree Forest and she can detect lies and then slap them for lying!" The Family seems amazed and skeptical, but the Man asks his son, "Where were you at today?" The boy stammers, "Raking the muck from the Barn!" The Fairy slaps him. "Ok, ok!! I was with my girlfriend, kissing in the Barn!" The Man says, "What? when I was your age, I never kissed a girl!" The Fairy slaps the Man. Mom laughs, "Well, he's your son!" The Fairy slaps the Mom.

A Man goes to the Barber at the Hemp Necktie Inn and asks for a shave. The barber asks the Man to put a large wooden ball in his mouth to puff out his cheeks for a better shave. The Man puts it in his mouth and asks, "But what if I swallow it?" The Barber replies, "No problem sir. Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else."

One day two Muffins were sitting in the Baking Oven in Runewick, you know, Baking. One Muffin turned to the other and said, "It sure is getting Hot in here!" The other Muffin said in surprise, "Look! A talking Muffin!!"

A man is in his boat out on the lake with a bucket full of fish that he had just caught. The Don's taxman spots him and pulls his boat up alongside. Seeing the bucket of fish in the man's boat, the taxman says, "you got to pay a tax for all that!"

The man tells the taxman that he was exempt from taxes.

The taxman looks down at the bucket and says "you definitely need to pay taxes to be catching fish here, I can see that you've been fishing today. You have live fish right there."

The man says "oh no, those are my pet fish. I just brought them out here for the day to enjoy the lake."

"Pet fish?" Replied the taxman

"Oh absolutely, I let him out of the bucket and they swim around and play, but when I whistle they all jump right back in. They are very well trained."

The taxman scratches his chin, then says. "I've never heard such a trick. Well I've got to see this."

The man dumps the bucket of fish into the lake, then calmly turns and looks at the taxman.

The taxman looks at the fisherman and says, "Well, call them back now."

The man says, "call who back."

The taxman says, "your pet fish."

"What fish?" Replied the man.

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
Suddenly, a faint moaning is heard from the casket. The casket is opened, and it is found that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

"I went to a funeral for the guy who wrote the "Hokey Pokey" song the other day. It became sad and frustrating when they couldn’t get him in his casket.

They put his left foot in..."

On my first day of Knight's training, I vomited and asked the instructor, “Is this normal?”
He said, “Not during a written exam, no.”

Son: Dad, if the blacksmith forges the sword, who sells it?
Dad: That's easy son. Whoever smelt it, dealt it.

What’s the one rule about fighting circus freaks?
Always go for the juggler.

Don Valerio and his men are looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the undead of Mas...
After marching through the woods for some hours, they find a farm. Don Valerio knocks on the door and the farmer answers. The Don says "excuse me sir, I'm sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the undead of Mas all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?" The farmer looks around and says "well I only have room for one of you." The Don looks around at his 100 men, and points to a young squire.

"Peters, you were wounded badly in that last battle and kept fighting. You deserve it. Step inside." Peters steps up, and stays with the farmer for the night. Now without their buddy Peters, the men feel as depressed as ever, and have no place to stay. The Don and his battered soldiers continue marching.

Eventually they find a brothel. Don Valerio knocks on the door excitedly and the head mistress answers. "Excuse me ma'am, my men and I have been fighting undead all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night? We can pay." The mistress closes the door for a moment. She excitedly turns around to all of her prostitutes. "Its been months of no business girls, no men and no action, but we have a whole caravan of handsome young soldiers to service here! Get ready!" The girls giggle excitedly and begin to primp for all the soldiers, having gone months with no business.

The mistress opens the door and says to The Don, "we'd be happy to put you up! How many of you are there?" Don Valerio turns around and looks at his men, and says "well, 99 without Peters." The mistress says,

"You've gotta be kidding me!"

During the height of hostilities between Runewick and Cadomyr, their hated enemy, a reporter asked a councilman of Runewick what would they do if Galmair joined in an attack with Cadomyr against Runewick.

The Councilman said, "We would defeat Galmair, and then go after Cadomyr"

The reporter, confused by this order of events, asked, "Why Galmair first?"

The Councilman said, "We are a civilized people and always believe work comes before pleasure."

During Mas, the army of Mt Letma was attacking the Hemp Necktie Inn
At first the Demon commander sends five undead soldiers in, and they all get killed by someone inside.

A Dwarven soldier then yelled to the Demon “Is that all you’ve got? I’m the only one here.”

Then the Demon commander sends in 15 undead soldiers, who all again, are killed by the enemy.

The Dwarven soldier then yelled again “I’m only one here. Do better ya twit!”

The Demon commander is beginning to become frustrated about this Dwarf, so now he sends in 50 undead soldiers, that again all get killed by the enemy.

The Dwarven soldier then yells “send all the men you can, and let’s see who wins. Little ol' Me, or all of yer Undead?”

Then with increased impatience and frustration, the Demon commander sends his last 100 undead in, that all get killed by the enemy.

Only one returns badly wounded and yells from roughly 100 meters distant “he’s lying, he’s lying. There are two of them!” Before being shot in the back of the head by an arrow.

Two rangers are out hunting for food by walking through Elstree Forest, and discover a large Well in the ground.

One Ranger was curious as to how deep the Well was, and threw a small stone into it turning his head to listen…………nothing. He then gathers up a larger stone, picks it up with both hands and throws it in the Well, turning his head to the side to listen…………nothing.

He exclaims to the other, "Man, that is some Well! Lets find something bigger to throw down there!"

Well, the two find a rotten log. One says to the other, "pick up one side, and I’ll get the other. Surely when this thing hits the bottom we’ll know it." So the two throw this rotten log into the well and begin to listen.

After a few seconds they hear a sheep, wailing at the top of its lungs, while it is running straight toward the two hunters. The sheep continues toward them, passes right between the men, and goes off in the Well. One hunter in excitement and disbelief, proclaims to the other, "did you see that crazy sheep!!?? That damn thing just jumped in that well!!"

The commotion attracted the attention of a local farmer, and he made his way over to the hunters. He asked the guys, “Have you seen my sheep, I cant seem to find him?”

One of the hunters, still excited, tells the farmer, "sure, we have seen your sheep. He just ran down that hill straight toward us and jumped off in this well."

The farmer replies back, "Nah, that couldn’t have been my sheep. My sheep was tied to a rotten log."

*New!* Bernie's Weight Loss Program!

A guy talks to Bernie in Galmair and orders his new 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program. "Guaranteed to work!" says Bernie to the customer.

The next day, there's a knock on his door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old elfess dressed in nothing but a pair of shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of Bernie's weight loss program and points at the sign. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He meets Bernie the next day and orders his 5-day/10lbs program again. Bernie smiles happily and pockets the coins saying "Another Happy Customer!" The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy elfess he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and chases down Bernie to order his "Extra Special" 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks Bernie. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular Orc standing there wearing nothing but shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

The man lost 33 lbs that week!

Q: Why did the tavern fire their halfling Bard from the farm?

A: She couldn't keep the beets.

and...

Q: Who did the tavern hire instead?

A: A Metro-Gnome from the big city!

Finally, a Halfling farmer walks into a Bar holding a baby Pig under his arms, but the pig had a wooden leg.
The bartender looks at the pig, notices a wooden leg and asks, 'Why has this pig got a wooden leg?'
The Halfling farmer replies, "Ah that's a tale! We had a fire in our house last week. This pig came upstairs and woke up our entire family. We all escaped the blaze thanks to this pig!"
The bartender was impressed. "Did the pig lose a leg in the fire?"
"Oh no" said the farmer, "An animal this valuable? You don't eat them all at once!"

Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon the Goddess Tanora. The Goddess offered them one wish each. The first fisherman said, “Double my Intelligence!” So, the Goddess did it and to his surprise, he started reciting Books he'd never read from Runewick.
Then the second fisherman said, “Triple my Intelligence!” And sure enough, the Goddess did it and amazingly he started writing laws, making business plans and calculating taxes as if he was the Don himself.
The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the Goddess to quadruple his Intelligence and the Goddess said, “Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!” The fisherman said “Yes” So, the Goddess turned him into a woman.