Illarion.org

Zwei Zwerge gehen ins Puff. Die beiden suchen sich zwei Damen aus und gehen mit diesen auf die Zimmer, die Wand an Wand liegen.
Der eine Zwerg will loslegen, bekommt aber keinen hoch und während er noch versucht sich zu konzentrieren, damit es doch noch klappt, hört er aus dem Nebenraum die Worte: "Eins, zwei und hopp!" "Aha", denkt er sich, "Mein Kollege hat Spaß und ich bekomme keinen hoch."
Er versucht sich zu konzentrieren, aber immer wieder hört er von drüben die Worte: "Eins, zwei und Hopp!"
Schließlich ist er gefrustet und geht an die Bar. Nach einiger Zeit kommt sein Kumpel an und stellt sich dazu. "Na wie wars?", fragte der zuletzt Angekommene.
"Schlecht", antwortet der erste Zwerg, "Ich bekam keinen hoch."
"Das macht nichts", tröstet der Andere. "Ich bin noch nicht mal aufs Bett gekommen."

In Trolls Bane wird ein toter Zwerg aus dem Fluss gezogen.
Er ist gefesselt, geknebelt, mit einer Eisenkette umwickelt und mit einem schweren Stein an den Füßen.
Sagt eine der Stadtwachen:"Diese Zwerge, klauen immer mehr als sie tragen können!".

me streicht sich den langen bart....

Was ist schwerer, einen Elfenschneeman oder einen Zwergenschneeman zu bauen?
Der Zwergenschneemann natürlich, da muß man erst den Kopf aushölen!

---

Zwerg zum Elf: "Wusstest du schon, daß nur Fleischfresser Intelligenz entwickeln können?"
Darauf der Elf: "Wie meinst du denn das?"
Zwerg: "Na wieviel IQ braucht man schon um sich an einen Grashalm anzupirschen?"

---

Kommt ein Zwerg in eine Taverne, trägt Mist in seinen Händen und ruft: "Hey Leute, seht doch mal wo ich beinahe hineingetreten wäre!"

die waren nett!

und (fuer mich) neu.

Amras wrote:Was ist schwerer, einen Elfenschneeman oder einen Zwergenschneeman zu bauen?
Der Zwergenschneemann natürlich, da muß man erst den Kopf aushölen!

Na warte, mein Freund wenn dich Halvdan zu fassen kriegt, dann schickt er dein Hirn an die Orks...

Amras wrote:Zwerg zum Elf: "Wusstest du schon, daß nur Fleischfresser Intelligenz entwickeln können?"
Darauf der Elf: "Wie meinst du denn das?"
Zwerg: "Na wieviel IQ braucht man schon um sich an einen Grashalm anzupirschen?"

Der könnte Halvdan wieder friedlich stimmen...

German players have more of a sense of humour then the rest of us apparently.

A translation would be greatly appriciated

by Amras Telemnar:

Which one is more difficult to build: a snow-elf or a snow-dwarf?
>Of course a snow-dwarf because one has to hollow the head!

--

Dwarf to elf: "Did you know that only carnivorous creatures are able to evolve intelligence?"
Elf: "What do you mean?"
Dwarf: "Well, what do you think what IQ one needs to stalk a blade of grass?"

--

A dwarf carrying muck in his hands enters a tavern and shouts proudly: "Hey guys, look into what I´ve almost stepped"

--

I´m tired of translating for the moment....wait or learn German

How many dwarfes do you need to bestride an ordinary horse?

2! One throws hsi beard over the horses back, the other one pulls

Ich denke hier sollte sich mal wieder etwas rühren



In einem Zwergenstollen wird ein toter Elf aufgefunden.
Der herbeigerufene Heiler des Zwergenstammes untersucht die Leiche, findet zweiundzwanzig tiefe Stichwunden im Rücken und sagt:
"Bei den Göttern, so einen furchtbaren Selbstmord habe ich noch nie gesehen!"


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Ein Elf, ein Zwerg und ein Gnome saufen in einer Kneipe um die Wette.
Der Elf fällt als erster unter den Tisch, weil, naja er ist eben ein Elf.
Der Gnome und der Zwerg leeren weiter Becher um Becher. Als der
Gnome schließlich unter den Tisch rutscht sagt der Wirt zu dem Zwerg,
der kaum angeheitert ist: "Bei Malachín, ich hab' noch nie so einen
Kampftrinker gesehen! Wie machst du das?"
Darauf antwortet der Zwerg: "Kunststück! Das Ungeziefer in meinem Bart
trinkt mir immer alles weg bevor ich an dem Becher überhaupt nippen kann!"


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Ein Zwerg besucht eine vornehme Taverne und bestellt ein Bier. Als der Zwerg das Bier geleert hat betrachtet er verwundert den Untersetzter, zuckt die Schultern und isst ihn auf. Beim nächsten Bier wundert sich der Wirt zwar, legt aber eine neue Scheibe unter das Bier. Als das ein paar mal so gegangen ist bestellt der Zwerg sein nächstes Bier:"Heda, noch einen für mich, diesmal aber ohne Keks."


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Warum können Zwerge nicht schwimmen? Wenn sie ins Wasser fallen, sind sie erst einmal damit beschäftigt, ihre Rüstung zu ölen, damit die nicht rostet.


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Kommt ein Zwerg in die Taverne, trägt Mist in den Händen und ruft: “Hey Leute seht mal, wo ich beinahe reingetreten wäre!”

Edward Cromwell wird entführt. Die Entführer verlangen 10 Gold, ansonsten lassen sie ihn frei.

*

Edward Cromwell gets kidnapped. The kidnappers demand 10 gold, or else they will release him.

*******

Zwei Männer versuchten einen Anschlag auf Governor Edward Cromwell. Ihre Namen: Johnny Walker und Jim Beam.

*

Two men tried an assult on Governour Edward Cromwell. Their names: Johnny Walker and Jim Beam

*******

Was ist der Unterschied zwischen Edward Cromwell und Stephen Rothman?
Stephen Rothman hatte Sympathisanten.

*

What is the difference between Edward Cromwell and Stephen Rothman?
Stephen Rothman had sympathizers.

*******

A guest in the tavern and Edward Cromwell are chatting. Says the guest: "There are many ways to make money. But only one honest!" - "And which is it?" - "Ha! I knew you don't know a single one."

*

Ein Gast in der Taverne und Edward Cromwell unterhalten sich. Sagt der Gast: "Es gibt so viele Wege Geld zu machen. Aber nur eine ehrliche!" - "Und welcher ist das?" - "Ha! Wusste ich doch, dass sie keine einzige kennen."

*******

Einen Tag vor der Wahl zum neuen Governour von Trolls Bane: Eine alte Frau stürzt und fällt auf den Rücken. Verzweifelt versucht sie wieder aufzustehen. Zufällig kommt Edward Cromwell vorbei und hilft der alten Dame auf und sie bedankt sich. "Sie wissen ja wohl für wen sie bei der nächsten Wahl stimmen sollen? Kann ich mit ihrer Stimme rechnen?"
Antwortet die alte Frau: "Tut mir leid, Mister Cromwell. Ich bin auf den Rücken gefallen - nicht auf den Kopf."

*

One day before the election to the new governour of Trolls Bane: An old woman slips and falls onto her back. Desperately she tries to stand up again. Just in that moment Edward Cromwell comes along and helps the old woman up on her feet and she says thanks. "You for sure know already who you have to vote in the next election? Can I count on your vote?"
Answers the old woman: "I'm sorry, Mister Cromwell. I fell on my back - not on my head."


*******************

Why does Governour Cromwell prefer to sleep with virgins?

... because he can't take criticism.

*

Warum schläft Governour Cromwell am liebsten mit Jungfrauen?

... weil er keine Kritik vertragen kann.


*******



hehe.... new authority, new jokes..


Edit: I keep editing this post with more jokes *g*

Doublepost, sorry...

I tried to come up with joke that don't pick on Edward for a change. *g*
I apologize in advance if some of them appear... mean. It's of course not meant as an offense.


Was ist der Unterschied zwischen George W. Bush und König Thurbert von Silberbrand?

George W. Bush ist nur FAST am Essen erstickt.

*

What is the difference between George W. Bush and King Thurbert of Silverbrand?

George W. Bush only CLOSELY suffocated on his food.


************

Welche Gemeinsamkeit hat Pellandria mit Silberbrand?


Sie wechselt so oft ihre Liebhaber wie Silberbrand seine Könige.

*

What does Pellandria have in common with Silverbrand?


She changes her lovers as often as Silverbrand its kings.

*****************

Warum hat Gryphius sich entschieden nach Varshikar zu gehen?


Die zerklufte Landschaft passt gut zu seinem Gesicht.

*

Why did Gryphius decide to go to Varshikar?


The jagged landscapes suits his face.

************

Warum ist Greenbriar immer noch als Halblingsstadt bekannt?


Sind ja genug Halb-Elfen dort.

*

Why is Greenbriar still known as the 'halflingstown'?


Well, there are still enough half-elfs.

***************

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Pellandria: I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Pellandria: Ever since I was an egg!

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A man went to visit William Elderberry and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," William replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

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Sir Dantagon goes to visit his friend Jorokar. The wife answers.
"Hi, is Jorokar home?"
"No, Sir Dantagon, he went to the store."
"Well, do you mind if I wait?"
"No, come on in."
They sit down and Sir Dantagon says, "You know , you have the greatest breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred silvers if I could just see one."
The wife thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred silvers is a hundred silvers. She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a hundred silvers on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Sir Dantagon says, " They are just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I could just see them both together."
The wife say what the hell, opens her robe and gives Sir Dantagon a nice long look. The knight thanks her and throws another hundred silvers on the table and says he can't wait any longer for Jorokar and leaves.
A while later Jorokar arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Dantagon came over."
Jorokar thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 silvers he owes me?"
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There were women waiting in a doctor's office.

They started talking and one women said, "I'm going to have a girl because I was on the bottom last time and I had a girl. I was on the bottom again this time so I'm going to have another girl."

One of the other ladies said, "I'm going to have a boy, I was on the top."

Meriel, the last lady started to cry.
The two other ladies asked, "Why are you crying?"
She replied, "I'm going to have puppies!!!

-----------------------------------------------------

One of Tybalt's brothers came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back.
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said: "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah... My wife!"

----------------------------------------------------
There's Cromwell who drinks beer at a local bar every night. One night, he came in and had nothing to drink. The bartender was curious and asked him why he wasn't drinking anything.

Cromwell replied, "I don't drink anymore... Last night, I blew chunks."

"Oh that's nothing", the bartender replies. "Everyone gets a little sick after drinking at times!"

"No, No", Cromwell replies. "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog!

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retlak the sceleton comes in a tavern and orders:
"gimme a beer and a rag."

There was this bulder, Lorian's apprentice, on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker, Lorian on the ground to get it for him, but Lorian could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, Lorian on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at Lorian, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
Lorian replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

double post yay



There was Stephen Rothman riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so Stephen turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert Rothman came to a road. There was a broken down carrige with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
Stephen luckily knew a thing or two about weels and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr.?"
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

------------------------------------------
There was Gryphius who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found Gryphius standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said Gryphius. "I just came in my pants!"

He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."

*gasp*

Ripoff!

rofl!

Was sagt ein Dunkelelfen-kind wenn es Durchfall hat?
...
"Hilfe, ich laufe aus."

*

What's a drow-child saying when it has diarrhea?
...
"Help, I'm running out.."

Avalyon evidently just googled "best jokes of all time" or whatever, and replaced the names.

*Cough, the more Illarion accurate verson.*

Edward Cromwell goes to visit his friend William Elderberry. The wife answers.
"Hi, is William home?"
"No, Edward, he went to the store."
"Well, do you mind if I wait?"
"No, come on in."
They sit down and Edward says, "You know , you have the greatest breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred silvers if I could just see one."
The wife thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred silvers is a hundred silvers. She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a hundred silvers on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Edward says, " They are just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I could just see them both together."
The wife say what the hell, opens her robe and gives Edward a nice long look. The knight thanks her and throws another hundred silvers on the table and says he can't wait any longer for William and leaves.
A while later William arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Edward came over."
William thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 silvers he owes me?"

...William? Wife? ...LOL!

Replace wife with husband, and edward with any rothman...

and its more realistic

*hides*

When the Sherwood's Men in Tights decided to establish a branch on the island, what was it called?
The Knights of Gobiath.

---

How do you know you won't get lucky tonight? You're coming home from the party with Gwendolin Cad'ell.

---

There are two ways a character can get illness in Illarion.

The first way involves scripts and bad luck.

The second way is much easier. All you have to do is to sleep with Pellandria.
---

Why does no road have a name on Gobiath?

As no government could decide, if Meriel should be classified as a road or not due to the high traffic.

--

Two men are arguing.
"How do you know the gods are all-powerful?"
"Well, just look at Dantagon. With him they've created a man without a brain."

---

Combine a waterfall and a human, what will you get?
Jorokar Sladrir.

How do we know that trollsbane citizens have a sense of humour?

They let Edward be king...

How do we know people are allowing ig events to move OOC?

When they start making flaming jokes on the jokes topic.

((Not ment to be funny, but this is obviously getting close to be a flame topic via jokes.))

SOMEBODY can't take a joke

How do you get the entire lizard community into one room?

Roleplay a female lizard
-

How do you get the entire female community into a room?

Put Stephen Rothman in it.
-

LMFAO EDWARD

nmaguire wrote:SOMEBODY can't take a joke

I can take a joke. I just can't take one which seems to be on the edge of flaming people. Like this.

What did Dominic say to the noob?

I haz yellows skillz!!!11