It's the end of the year!! How about a montage of the year's funniest jokes?
Two rangers are out hunting for food by walking through Elstree Forest, and discover a large Well in the ground.
One Ranger was curious as to how deep the Well was, and threw a small stone into it turning his head to listen…………nothing. He then gathers up a larger stone, picks it up with both hands and throws it in the Well, turning his head to the side to listen…………nothing.
He exclaims to the other, "Man, that is some Well! Lets find something bigger to throw down there!"
Well, the two find a rotten log. One says to the other, "pick up one side, and I’ll get the other. Surely when this thing hits the bottom we’ll know it." So the two throw this rotten log into the well and begin to listen.
After a few seconds they hear a sheep, wailing at the top of its lungs, while it is running straight toward the two hunters. The sheep continues toward them, passes right between the men, and goes off in the Well. One hunter in excitement and disbelief, proclaims to the other, "did you see that crazy sheep!!?? That damn thing just jumped in that well!!"
The commotion attracted the attention of a local farmer, and he made his way over to the hunters. He asked the guys, “Have you seen my sheep, I cant seem to find him?”
One of the hunters, still excited, tells the farmer, "sure, we have seen your sheep. He just ran down that hill straight toward us and jumped off in this well."
The farmer replies back, "Nah, that couldn’t have been my sheep. My sheep was tied to a rotten log."
Definition of a Mage:
(Noun)
1. Arcane Scholar
2. Weaver of Deep Magic
3. Always Broke
See: Cannon Fodder
*New!* Bernie's Weight Loss Program!
A guy talks to Bernie in Galmair and orders his new 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program. "Guaranteed to work!" says Bernie to the customer.
The next day, there's a knock on his door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old elfess dressed in nothing but a pair of shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of Bernie's weight loss program and points at the sign. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He meets Bernie the next day and orders his 5-day/10lbs program again. Bernie smiles happily and pockets the coins saying "Another Happy Customer!" The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy elfess he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and chases down Bernie to order his "Extra Special" 7-day/25 lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks Bernie. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular Orc standing there wearing nothing but shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
The man lost 33 lbs that week!
Q: Why couldn't Jefferson Gray torture the elderly Halfling enough to make him reveal his secrets?
A: Old Hobbits are hard to break!!
Q: Why did the tavern fire their halfling Bard from the farm?
A: She couldn't keep the beets.
and...
Q: Who did the tavern hire instead?
A: A Metro-Gnome from the big city!
A Man was walking to Galmair and a chicken walked by him in the same direction. Not to be outdone by a Chicken, the Man started to run and the Chicken sped up and was alongside him again. The Man drank a speed potion and the chicken still kept pace and then sped past him!! As the Chicken sped past, the Man noticed it had three legs and tried to keep up, but couldn't. Luckily the Chicken went into a nearby farm. Huffing with short breath, the Man finally got to the Farm and asked the Farmer about the chicken. "Oh yeah, they're a special type I'm breeding to get more drumsticks," the Farmer said. "Great, but how do they taste?" the Man asked. "I don't know," the Farmer admitted, "I haven't been able to catch one yet!"
Finally, a Halfling farmer walks into a Bar holding a baby Pig under his arms, but the pig had a wooden leg.
The bartender looks at the pig, notices a wooden leg and asks, 'Why has this pig got a wooden leg?'
The Halfling farmer replies, "Ah that's a tale! We had a fire in our house last week. This pig came upstairs and woke up our entire family. We all escaped the blaze thanks to this pig!"
The bartender was impressed. "Did the pig lose a leg in the fire?"
"Oh no" said the farmer, "An animal this valuable? You don't eat them all at once!"
A knight’s brother was slain in battle by monster
Knight: I will avenge the death of my brother!
Hunter: You have my bow!
Warrior: And my axe!
Mage: And my staff!
Necromancer: And your dead brother!
Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon the Goddess Tanora. The Goddess offered them one wish each. The first fisherman said, “Double my Intelligence!” So, the Goddess did it and to his surprise, he started reciting Books he'd never read from Runewick.
Then the second fisherman said, “Triple my Intelligence!” And sure enough, the Goddess did it and amazingly he started writing laws, making business plans and calculating taxes as if he was the Don himself.
The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the Goddess to quadruple his Intelligence and the Goddess said, “Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!” The fisherman said “Yes” So, the Goddess turned him into a woman.
Two beginner deer hunters weren't having any luck, so they ask for advice from an old timer. "You can just about guarantee a deer if you learn to hunt with dogs," he tells them. The two hunters got a trained deer dog and hit the woods. At the end of the day and still empty-handed, one hunter said to the other, "Maybe tomorrow we'll get one if we throw the dog out of a higher tree."
We're taking a break during Mas as the editor takes his annual vacation! Have a Happy Illa Day and see you after Mas!!!
Makes you appreciate Illarion more now, doesn't it? 